So this is what disappointment feels like.
Not bitter, but rather, the dull flames of fire in the stomach rising up to scorch the throat. An ache in the head and a surprising dryness behind the eyes.
The heartbreak, the heartache, and the tears come after people start being concerned.
Today, we lost.
And I try to comfort myself and my fellow HAT members, that even though we've lost, we've gained a whole lot more. And I look back, and despite what I say, I still wish we hadn't missed out on that bonus cup that we worked so so so hard for. It still brings tears to my eyes, and a wrenching at my heartstrings. I wonder what we could have done better, what we could have done more, what I could have done more as captain.
Somehow, comparatively, I don't think I've been as good a captain, I've just been blessed with a damn good house team and a damn good bunch of house councilors. Today, when I saw Roman and Dismas running around with the banner being silly and having fun, it made me cry. Really cry, because it reminded me of what I used to have and didn't cherish. It reminded me of what I'll never have again, this experience that I used to hate. And now I look back, I keep thinking. Could I have done any better? Pushed myself harder to make things a bit better? Changed things somehow?
And the answer stays the same: I could have done more. Given more of myself, and worked harder. And that makes me want to cry even more, because I feel like I've let so many people. down.
Disappointment is a hard pill to swallow, tough and big. It burns in the stomach like acid, and stys there, somewhat in its' pill form, making its presence consciously conscious..
To my house councilors:
Roman, Dismas, Adinia, HuiJing, ChooiSum, XiaoHui, SokHuang, ChunLong, SiyuanYou guys have no idea how much you've changed my life. That night, at the pool table, when we were all in tears at leaving council, I'm sorry I couldn't articulate properly how grateful I was. It was so impromptu, I couldn't think of anything much. Now, I think back, there's so much I wanna say. Thank you,
Dismas and
Roman for being constantly supportive even though you guys keep wanting to change alliance! You make everybody's day brighter, and you guys are really the life of Ignis.
Adinia, HuiJing, ChooiSum, you guys were the backbone and seriousness of Ignis, and brought stability to whatever nonsensical plans we came up with. Thank you for helping out in whatever way you could, especially
ChooiSum, for constantly helping us with banners, that didn't really materialize until the last minute.
XiaoHui, what can I say. Christine told me before, you didn't really feel like part of the house. But to me, without you, the house wouldn't be the same. you brought laughter, cheeriness whenever you went, and your constant enthusiasm and support was like balm whenever we needed it. :)
SokHuang, my dear treasurer. Thank you for trying to scrimp and save $$ for Ignis, and telling us what to spend what not to spend. You added vitality into Ignis, with random jokes and surprisingness, in that quiet sense of yours.
ChunLong, CLC! Gayra would never be the same without you. Thanks for turning all the house members into gayra members (Christine, Dismas, Roman, etc!) But thank you for brining laughter and cheering everybody up with your quirky ways. You're loved by all the house members. :)
Siyuan, Superstar! :) Thank you for throwing all your face away for Ignis (actually this applies to everybody, comes to think about it), and doing nonsense even when we ask you to.Your antics and witty comments never failed to brighten up our day.
To my HAT:
Bengah, Christu, Nuans.I never expected to become captain. Really. I was scared, terrified by the task ahead of me, and stressed by the presence of such great seniors like Youkai, Silin and Davina. But you guys were there, supporting me, becoming the backbone of everything I did. I miss you guys so much. Really. I miss what we used to be, I miss failed morning meetings, cheering sessions, laughing and eating together. We bonded so well, I actually doubted my luck. I'll never forget the three of you. Your ideas, your jokes, your everything. The squabbling over the flag, the pointing out of hongmao and feizai, the quarrel of hot guys, everything. Our last minute work which actually turns out quite good. Thank you for tolerating with my impulsiveness and incessant questioning and kancheongness. I know I've said this a dozen times, but you guys are really the best team I've worked with. We'll never have come so far without each other.
Ignis, 05/06: You guys have made a house, into a home for me.
Thank you.
;
The cheering up session at night was well needed. After a brutal day of school and tuition, that was exactly what I needed. Catching up with the girls, under a big shady tree with the occasional nut dropping to try and kill us, and the service of the guys. It was quite bad, making the junor class served us, but our horridness overtook our guilt after a while. Sitting there, with no mosquitoes and talking to the girls made me feel grown up, like we would one day be sitting there, all off to universities, but still coming back as one.
Lovely night.
We missed Bengahs and Soph today though. ):
;
Somehow things are different between us.
Things aren't that simple anymore, there seems to be underlying currents within our friendship and I don't like it one bit.
Sigh.
;
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hardOh take me back to the start.Proverbial Sunshine.
